Gay Catholics/ Christians, queer families

Queer Parents: Listen To The Families

“People say sexuality is a taught thing. They say that a gay father will teach you to be gay. But sexuality is genetically wired into us. Hatred is the taught thing.

-Alex Wagenhoffer-Zahnwo

Scott adds: “If you grow up eating junk food and sitting around doing nothing, you will grow up lazy, eating junk food the rest of your life. You learn from your parents if they teach you to hate.”

-Scott Wagenhoffer-Zahnwo

The Prejudice Faced By Queer Families:

Scott and Alex, both 16, speak from experience with the words quoted above. They have seen it in their own family, from the brother, sister and mother of one of their two dads, and also from a minister of religion, as described in an article in South Coast Today on gay dads, which expands on the stories of the hostility that they sometimes experience from their own families. These examples of rejection are sadly familiar, and not only over adoption. Many young men and women have found themselves rejected by their own biological families, on supposedly religious grounds, when they have had the courage to come out. This is not new: homophobia, prejudice and violence directed at gay, lesbian and trans people has been around a long time.

There is another side to queer families though, that is somewhat newer, and that will have profound implications for the future course of religious responses to homoerotic love. Their simple presence and visibility, in steadily increasing numbers, will force the churches to face the undeniable fact that their conventional wisdom, that homoerotic love is clearly sinful, is mistaken.

The Powerful Witness of Queer Families

John, a 55-year-old gay father from Fall River who did not want his last name used, says knowing his father’s sexual orientation has made his son more open-minded.

Recently, “he was in a room with friends and there was a discussion about being gay, He said, ‘So what, my father’s gay.’ He is more accepting, and if I hadn’t come out, he probably wouldn’t be as open-minded and supportive.”

This experience of strong support from our children is commonplace. It was certainly so in my own family, as also in the case of the Iowa young man whose televised testimony on his life with two moms in support of family equality went viral. Here’s another example:

Jeff Hetrick, who lives with partner Glenn Gonsalves in both Plymouth and Provincetown, is a speaker for PFLAG (Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays). Following the organization’s mission to “help change attitudes and create an environment of understanding,” Hetrick talks to schools and community groups. He wants the community to know that “most gay people have to work very hard to become parents. By the time you get to be a gay father, you have to be very committed. We want the same things that everyone wants.”

Hetrick tells what he says is a funny story that shows how sensitive a son can be of his father’s feelings. “I was sitting at dinner. My oldest son (Damon) said, ‘Daddy I have to talk to you about something. I have to tell you something, but I don’t want to hurt your feelings. When I grow up, I want to marry a girl.’”

Queer Families Have an Impact on Schooling.

These families must inevitably have a major impact on our public acceptance across a wide range of public institutions. Children have friends – and children from queer families have friends who grow up familiar with the existence of families that are “different” – but in other respects completely normal. Children also attend school – and queer parents can have a direct impact on their schools’ responses.

“Our life,” Hetrick says, “is not perfect. We’ve also had to deal with school bullying. When our son was 10 he came home crying and at first wouldn’t tell me why. I pried it out of him. Seems a group was making fun of him because he had two daddies. I said, ‘Hold that thought, I want to catch the principal before he leaves.’ Within 24 hours, the principal had seen the bullying boys and spoken to each of them.”

While Steve Wagenhoffer is, to some extent, inured to anti-gay comments, he has made a conscious decision to turn misunderstandings into teachable moments.

“When Alex was in elementary school,” he remembers, “a substitute teacher asked him to read. Alex shut down. The teacher said, ‘You’re a naughty boy. When your mom comes to pick you up, I’ll tell her.’ Alex replied, ‘I have two dads.’ The teacher said, ‘That’s just wrong.’ I went back into the class and the school took her off the sub list. I did not want my boys to grow up with the same kind of shame I grew up with. At every opportunity I show my boys that they have a voice and I teach them to push back gently and tell them that sometimes a big stick is necessary.”

Later this week, we will be marking the tenth anniversary of the world’s first legally recognized same sex marriage, in the Netherlands on April 1st, 2001. The expansion of full marriage equality to 10 countries and five US states, civil unions of different kinds in many more, and varying degrees of de facto recognition elsewhere, has created substantial public visibility not simply for gay and lesbian couples, but for queer families of many varieties. This has huge implications for the churches, as well as for schools.

Queer Families Have an Impact on Churches.

In the years after Stonewall, an important part of the argument encouraging gay men and lesbians to come out and be open, was the value of simultaneously providing positive role models to our young people - and of breaking down negative stereotypes in the public mind, and the prejudice that feeds on them. We have now moved beyond simply providing individuals as role models - families are doing the same thing. Families, by their nature, interact much more with social institutions (like schools) and potentially are far more effective in countering those stereotypes than individuals. This affects the churches, specifically including the Catholic church, very directly.

In a Boston Globe article on the decline of gay marriage as a political wedge issue, there are perceptive words by an Evangelical preacher, He is personally opposed to gay marriage, but recognizes the reality that the churches face:

“I think it’s clear that something like same-sex marriage is going to become normalized, legalized, and recognized in the culture,’’ said evangelical leader Albert Mohler, president of The Southern Baptist Theological Seminary in Louisville, Ky., in radio remarks after Obama announced he would no longer defend the Defense of Marriage Act. “It’s time for Christians to start thinking about how we’re going to deal with that.’’

In an interview with the Globe, Mohler said he received significant pushback over his comments from his own community. “Some Christians say that even talking about same-sex marriage is a surrender,’’ said Mohler, who opposes gay marriage. “But I think of it as an acknowledgment that in several states same-sex marriage is obviously a fact. It’s not theoretical. Very few Christians are talking about that.’’

He said the shift in public opinion is inescapable, and noted the huge generational gap in polling that shows young people are far more accepting on gay issues.

“We’re going to be in a minority position,’’ he acknowledged. “We’re going to have to deal with that….. Clearly Christians are not going to be running up to same sex couples and yelling, ‘You’re not married!’ That’s not a realistic strategy.’’

-Boston Globe

With their extensive involvement in education through Catholic schools, the implications for the Catholic Church are even more immediate and far-reaching. The decision last year by Bishop Chaput in Colorado to force two lesbian mothers to withdraw their children from a Catholic school drew widespread attention (and condemnation). What was largely unreported though, was the obvious fact this was an isolated instance. In the only other comparable example, from Boston diocese, the Bishop moved swiftly to assure the parents that exclusion was not diocesan policy, and to arrange an alternative school. Later, the diocese published a revised admissions policy that was explicitly inclusive). The US Census finds that just over one-quarter of same-sex couples who consider themselves “spouses” have children in their households. Catholics also form same sex couples, and also have children in need of schooling. I would be surprised if there are too many Catholic schools that do not already have children in their classrooms with two moms, or two dads - just as other kids have single parents, unmarried cohabiting parents, or those who have re-married after divorce.

As the staff and students in Catholic schools, and the congregations in Catholic parishes, get to know more and more queer families in their school and parish communities, they will inevitably find that they get to listen to their stories, and see for themselves the lives that they live. As they do so, they will have to face the simple, unavoidable fact facing the Catholic churches over homosexuality: it is not the orientation that is gravely disordered, but the Vatican doctrine - which will inevitably have to change.

Increasing visibility for queer families will accelerate the onset of that change.

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