In conservative Catholic commentary, there is alarm that the French bishops have responded to proposals for marriage equality in France, by proposing instead a strengthening and improvements to the existing system of PACS (the French version of civil unions). Their alarm could be much greater, if they understood the much more important factors that have led to this suggestion.
The core observation contained in the report, is an admission of this important observation from the real world:
…..several studies show that homosexual practices have evolved and that today the desire to live in a stable loving relationship is more common than was the case 20 years ago.
(translation at Bilgrimage)
….. plusieurs études montrent que les pratiques homosexuelles ont évolué et que l’aspiration à vivre une relation affective stable se rencontre plus fréquemment aujourd’hui qu’il y a 20 ans.
This is a remarkable statement. It is common cause, I suggest, that in society as a whole (that is, heterosexual society), the institution of marriage is in decline. Fewer people are marrying than twenty years ago, more are conceiving or raising children outside of marriage. Cohabitation outside of marriage has become more common, but so have non- cohabiting sexual relationships, and single people conducting non-monogamous sexual relationships.
The fascinating question is – why, when heterosexual society is so patently moving away from marriage, are same – sex couples going in the opposite direction? I can only speculate, but before offering a possible explanation, let’s ask a different question: why should same – sex couples have shown so much less interest in marriage or other publicly recognized relationships in the past?
That’s much easier to answer: for many people, in many areas, it was simply not feasible. In times when homophobia and outright discrimination were overt and widespread, it was just not realistic for two men (especially for men) to set up home together, unless they could make a pretense of being just two young bachelors rooming together. For many people, the difficulties of maintaining the pretence, and manifest dangers if the ruse should come to be exposed, meant that many gay men simply refused to take the risk, and maintained their relationships from separate homes – or avoided forming committed, monogamous relationships at all. Still others, convinced by the church or by social pressure that the only honourable path was in heterosexual marriage, took that route. When I began to take seriously the fact of my own sexuality, it did not take too long for me to confirm one part of the popular stereotype – there are places like some public toilets, parks and other cruising grounds where men lurk for casual, anonymous sex. It did not take me much longer to work out that in general, the men most likely to patronize these places are not those in public, honest and committed relationships, but those who remain to some degree closeted – and especially married men.
The French bishops note the evidence of a greater desire for committed relationships “in the last 20 years”. In fact, the trend goes back much further. Visible, committed relationships were even rarer in the mid – 20th century, before Stonewall and when public hostility, discrimination and legal penalties were much harsher. By the 1990′s, gay theologians were already offering explanations for the difficulties in the way of committed, monogamous relationships. The British theologian Michael Vasey, who describes himself as conservative and evangelical, covered it well in a chapter on “gay identity” in Strangers and Friends, published in 1995. This short paragraph sums up the problem:
Another factor may be the considerable difficulties that exist for gay people if they wish to establish settled gay relationships. It is easy for gay people to find themselves in a state of permanent courtship if they lack the context or social support to enable relationships to mature. At least some of the men who go cruising in public areas are “heterosexual” men – often married – seeking male sexual contact or affection. (Emphasis added)
-Vasey, Strangers and Friends
Vasey’s reference here to “sexual contact or affection” is important. Too much of the public perceptions and stereotyping of gay men focuses on the genital activities, and particularly on the evidence of rampant promiscuity or casual sex in these cruising grounds, and in perceptions of the notorious “gay bars”. But in truth, the apparently much greater obsession with sex, compared with other men, is largely an illusion. I’ve experienced my fair share of time in gay bars, in London and Johannesburg, and value that time. For the most time, I have found, they are much like any other pubs – a place where people can relax over a drink and conversation with amiable company. Sexual hookups I find are far less common than gay fiction might suggest – and probably not more so than in straight singles bars. Here’s Vasey, again:
Gay pubs are no more – and no less – about sex than straight pubs. The lives of most gay people are concerned with the same humdrum routines of employment, companionship and domesticity as other people. The National Survey of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles published in 1994 indicates that most men involved in same sex sexual activity are not more active than their “heterosexual” equivalents. The sense that gay people’s live are obsessed with sex has a number of causes. It represents a failure to see the extent to which gender and heterosexual desire provides the organizing script for much of life in modern society: “I need a girl to take to the party”. It may also reflect a high level of sexual anxiety where people suppress and deny the place of desire and the celebration of gender.
-Vasey, Strangers and Friends
Note once again, the inclusion of “companionship” (and domesticity) among Vasey’s listed concerns of gay people. Another theologian, the Catholic Gareth Moore OP, emphasises in his book “ A Question of Truth ” that what is usually described as a homosexual orientation, is in fact about much more than a simple matter of genitals and sexual preferences, but also includes, perhaps much more importantly, a simple sense of “taking delight in” the company of people of the same gender and orientation. That has certainly been my own experience. Before coming out, I constantly felt uncomfortable in any social gathering, as though I just didn’t belong. That was particularly true in gathering exclusively or predominantly with (straight) men. The first few times I spent an evening in the company of exclusively gay men, it was like a revelation. For the first time ever, it was as if I could relax and feel comfortable in my own skin – and that had nothing at all to do with any pursuit of sex. Today, I feel much more comfortable than I did then in straight company – but only because I have learned to be comfortable with my own.
Yet a third theologian, the American Gary Comstock (“Gay Theology Without Apology“), does not use the term “homosexual orientation”. Instead, he refers to a same – sex affectional orientation, which I like, because it places the emphasis where it rightly belongs – on the preference for relationships and friendships with people of one’s own biological sex – and not on any obsession with the genitals. The popular perception that we are so much more obsessed with sex than others, is largely just that – a perception, and a misperception, at that.
The frequent perception that gay people’s lives are dominated by sex derives in part from the fact that gay people are socially visible and distinct precisely in this area of life. Cultural hostility to openly expressed same sex desire contributes to an overt sexuality. The celebration of gay sexuality, either socially or sexually, becomes an important way of asserting personal freedom over an oppressive culture. The exuberance to be seen in Gay Pride marches is part of a necessary process by which people assert their intrinsic sense of personal value.
-Vasey, Strangers and Friends
And so, to return to the French bishops and their observation that there is today a greater interest in the LGBT community in monogamous, committed relationships than 20 years ago (and even more, than 50 years ago). My guess is that this is in fact a direct result of the greater visibility and acceptability of openly gay/lesbian relationships. The infamous “hedonism”, promiscuity and lack of committed relationships in the past were a in part a misperception, because the rest of our lives were simply hidden, and in part a direct result of the necessity, for many people, to live deep in the closet.
The behaviours that so scandalize religious conservatives are and were a direct result of their own prejudice, hostility and discrimination. The reduction in overt homophobia is one of the enabling factors behind this new LGBT interest in faithful, committed relationships. It’s really no surprise , that formerly fervent conservative opponents of gay marriage, like are now supporting equal marriage - to support the institution.
The inevitable conclusion, which the French bishops are heading towards but have not yet reached. If you really want to promote faithful and committed relationships for gay men (in particular), and support marriage against the many forces working against it, do as some other denominations are starting to do, and as David Blankenhorn and many other conservatives who previously opposed gay marriage, are now doing with their new Institute for American Values: SUPPORT equal marriage, to protect the institution.
(I will continue tomorrow, with more on the bishops’ statement specifically, on the importance of relationships, and later on other reasons why this document is important. Earlier posts presented an overview of its significance, and a note on the bishops’ recognition of the importance of respect for gay experience).
Books
(links to Amazon.co.uk, UK)
Boswell, John: Same-Sex Unions in Premodern Europe
Comstock, Gary David: Gay Theology Without Apology
Glaser, Chris: As My Own Soul: The Blessing of Same-Gender Marriage 
Heyward, Carter: Touching Our Strength: The Erotic as Power and the Love of God
Hunt, Mary: Fierce Tenderness: Feminist Theology of Friendship
Jennings, Theodore W. The Man Jesus Loved
Jordan, Mark: Blessing Same-sex Unions: The Perils of Queer Romance and the Confusions of Christian Marriage
Moore, Gareth OP: A Question of Truth : Christianity & Homosexuality
Stuart, Elisabeth: Just Good Friends: Towards a Lesbian and Gay Theology of Relationships
Sullivan, Andrew: Virtually Normal: An Argument About Homosexuality
Sullivan, Andrew: Love Undetectable: Notes on Friendship, Sex, and Survival
Sullivan, Andrew: Same-Sex Marriage: Pro and Con
Vasey, M: Strangers and Friends: New Exploration of Homosexuality and the Bible
Books
(links to Amazon.com, USA)
Boswell, John: Same-Sex Unions in Premodern Europe
Glaser, Chris: As My Own Soul: The Blessing of Same-Gender Marriage
Hunt, Mary: Fierce Tenderness: A Feminist Theology of Friendship
Jennings, Theodore W. The man jesus loved
Jordan, Mark: Blessing Same-Sex Unions: The Perils of Queer Romance and the Confusions of Christian Marriage
Stuart, Elisabeth: Just Good Friends: Towards a Lesbian and Gay Theology of Relationships
Sullivan, Andrew: Virtually Normal: An Argument About Homosexuality
Sullivan, Andrew: Love Undetectable: Notes on Friendship, Sex, and Survival
Vasey, M: Strangers and friends: A new exploration of homosexuality and the Bible
Related articles
- French Bishops: “Respect Gay Relationships, Support Civil Unions, Reject Homophobia”
- French Bishops: “Respect Gay Experience”
- David Blankenhorn: “Defend Marriage – Support Equality”
- Catholic Bishops File Briefs In Supreme Court Gay Marriage Cases (ontopmag.com)
- In France Some Catholic Bishops Don’t Appear To Be On Pope Benedict’s Wavelength (enlightenedcatholicism-colkoch.blogspot.com)
- Former Opponent Invites Gays to the Wedding Party (religiondispatches.org)
- Is gay marriage really about sex? (guardian.co.uk)
- Sex As Grace, Ctd (andrewsullivan.thedailybeast.com)
I like the wording of “same sex affectional orientation”, mouthful as it is. I know a man who’s had relationships with men and women and says the sex was equally good either way – but it was the men who “made his soul sing”.