AS 2013 begins, I’ve been busy incessantly writing here, on facebook, and in private email correspondence about the dawn of a new beginning for Soho Masses, and the potential this new beginning brings.

But that’s not the new beginning I had been planning to write about. 2012 was a difficult year for me personally, when a challenge from a valued reader asked me to move away from the incessant comment on gay politics, away from being just another queer blog, to concentrating on the issues that really matter. This co-incided with an upsetting decision by Google Adsense to suspend my account on my satellite Blogger sites, for publishing supposedly “adult” material - beginning with a post reflecting on the Gospel story of the good Samaritan, as “The Good Faggot”. I ask you: since when is a serious biblical reflection to be seen as offensive and “adult”?

However. Between them, these two put me into an extended period of introspection and clinical depression, during which time my posting slowed, almost to a crawl (but from which I have since recovered).

These reflections were in fact immensely valuable, leading in the end to a sharp crystallization in my own mind of my priorities, concerns - and approaches. Some of this I’ve already implemented, with a new design. Others have been implemented, but not yet announced - in the form of additional, more tightly focused satellite sites, to cover the issues I want to write about, but are not directly relevant here. Still more have not yet been implemented - but were due to be today, until the current uproar over Soho Masses blew up in my face. Still, 2013 does indeed bring with it a new beginning and expansion for the Queer Church, just as it does for the Soho Masses. However - allow me a very personal gripe.

All of yesterday, as I was devoting all my available time to responding to the news of the day, I was immensely gratified by the expressions of thanks and appreciation I was getting. In telephone calls, in email messages, on facebook and in the comments thread here, I was getting numerous descriptions of appreciation for the comfort I was bringing to angry or distressed members of our congregation, and of thanks for the “sanity” I was bringing. Previously, I have had numerous descriptions worldwide, of how my words have kept them inside the church - or even from the brink of suicide. I have had praise from serious theologians and priests whom I greatly respect, to the effect that they too, find wisdom and value in my writing.

All of which has taken me by surprise: when I started, it was not with any hope of offering serious words of wisdom of my own - all I wanted to achieve, was to share the ideas of others, that have helped me. However -”The Lord works in mysterious ways, his wonders to perform” - and, I find, has a seriously impressive sense of humour, to take advantage of little ol’ me, in this way.

I really do appreciate these expressions and acknowledgements of the value of what I do, really. But there’s a real personal cost, which mostly I keep close to my chest. It’s time to reveal all - and gripe just a little.

I was asked the other night, “Where do you get the material you write about?” The short answer is, with a great deal of reading, and thinking. Between endlessly surfing the net, reading the books that I’m able to buy, preparing draft posts (only a fraction of which get published), and related activities for Soho Masses, Quest, my local parish and the like, my “ministry” as I see it, is probably more in terms of time, than many a full - time job.

This would be fine, if I had a useful independent income or pension - which you may, perhaps, assume at my age I do, but it just ain’t so. I have a tiny trickle of income from site advertising (much reduced since the nasty Google decided I was pornographic), an even smaller trickle from Amazon affiliate commissions, and the proceeds from a “donate” button on the right hand side - contributed to, last year, by all of two people. (Many thanks, both. You know who you are).

But guess what? Taken all together, advertising, plus Amazon commission, plus donations from precisely two supporters - does not even cover the costs of the site, computer issues, and the books (second hand or bargain basement remainder copies) that I need - let alone living expenses.

For basic income (very basic, I assure you), I depend on part - time evening work - delivering pizzas, for a pittance. I kid you not: I effectively spend most of my time reading, thinking and writing for this site and related activities, equivalent to at least the commitment of a conventional full - time job, and which (I am convinced, by the numerous expressions of appreciation I receive, is seriously valuable) - for a negative income, supported by driving around the countryside most evenings - delivering pizza!

Add in the time that I must necessarily devote to household chores and family responsibilities (partner, as well as my daughter and granddaughter) - oh, and a certain amount of sleep - and what is notably absent? Yeah, right - no time for me, no time, let alone money, for any real R & R.

By any rational standards, my life is bizarre, ridiculous and unsustainable, but you know what they say about the bumble bee (don’t you?) It’s been alleged that it’s aerodynamically impossible for the bumble bee to fly: its wings are too small for that large body. Fortunately, the bumblebee doesn’t know that - so it just keeps flying, anyway.

It is said of Mother Theresa of Calcutta, that whenever she say a need for a new venture, the last thing she considered, was the available funding. When told there was no money, she simply brushed aside objections, saying airily, “the Lord will provide” - and so s/he always did.

One of the key messages in Ignatian spirituality which I hold dear, and which keeps me going, is the dual principle of “trust and surrender” - trust in the Lord, and surrender to his will.

And so, like the bumble bee, I continue, regardless of the impracticality and sheer impossibility of what I am doing, trusting that somehow, I will survive. And yet……

If this site really does provide the value, hope and comfort that my readers say it does - is too much to ask that those readers might show some appreciation, in a practical way? Especially at this Christmas season, how about dropping a penny (or two) in this old man’s hat? The donations button is alongside. It doesn’t have to be much - think of it as a fiver in the Queer Church collection plate to help me keep the site going,or if you prefer, just a couple of quid to buy me a beer?

What about it - buy me a beer?