When we think of Catholic LGBT teaching, most of us think automatically of the well-known rules on sexual acts (easily summarised in three little words - “Don’t do it”). But in fact there’s far, far more - much of it unduly neglected. The Catechism balances its blanket prohibition on same - sex genital acts with an insistence that homosexual persons are to be treated with “respect, compassion and sensitivity”. It’s sometimes observed that two very different pictures of LGBT teaching emerge, depending on the prism with which one approaches the subject. Seen through the prism of sexual ethics, there is one (very familiar) picture. Seen through the prism of social justice, a very different picture emerges. Presenting the News Ways “Next Steps in LGBT Ministry” in London last week, Frank DeBenardo identified not two, but five distinct strands in Catholic teaching on gay men and lesbians in the Catholic Church (transgender issues were not directly addressed). :

1. homosexual orientation;
2. sexual ethics
3. pastoral ministry
4. prejudice, homophobia and discrimination
5. human and civil rights

The third of these, pastoral ministry, in turn incorporates two elements: ministry to lesbian and gay Catholics themselves, and to their families, their parents, siblings and increasingly, their children (in schools, religious formation classes, and in parish youth groups). Fortunate Families is an American outreach group of Catholic parents of LGBT people, to provide support and information services to those coming to terms with their situation, balancing their love for their families with what is often seen as hostility by the Church. The July issue of their newsletter includes this reflection by Marian Levine - moving, but possibly typical of the faith journey of many other Catholic parents on discovering that their child is gay: initial confusion and anxiety, exploration and prayer, and finally - celebration of their “fortunate family”.

I have a friend whose children were adults in their twenties when mine were in their teens. She once said to me, “Your kids will take you down paths you never thought you’d go.” She was so right. Almost 15 years ago, I decided to hang on for the ride of my life, and have never let go.

We were living in Phoenix in 1997 and Thanksgiving weekend started like most others with anticipation, preparation, and lots of cooking. I love all the Thanksgiving rituals from making pies to watching the parade. Our son was a senior in high school and our daughter a sophomore in college in Boston and was bringing a friend to spend the holiday weekend with us.

The weekend schedule was busy with an annual Father- Son football game, a trip to the Grand Canyon, and a round of golf for the guys. On Sunday, with the men off golfing, we girls soaked up some “mom and daughter home from college time”. But as we made cookies and sat outside, I began to sense an urgency in my daughter’s need to talk. Late Sunday afternoon she finally told me that she was gay.

I have never felt such an intense fear and gnawing in the pit of my stomach as I did when she uttered those words.

I felt that nothing in my life had prepared me for this….and yet, EVERYTHING had prepared me.

I struggled with so many different emotions over the course of those first days, weeks, months and yes, years. Fear for her safety, anger toward God about how he could ask this of us, what did I do, or not do, that caused this, and grief over the expectations and dreams I had for her life that, I thought, would now never happen. Over the years I was encouraged and sustained by family and friends, support groups, counseling, retreats and parish ministries. I found some comfort in the United State’s Bishop’s letter, ALWAYS OUR CHILDREN.

As difficult as things were at first, over time, I knew without a doubt that I would do whatever it took to understand, and celebrate, all facets of my daughter’s life. Because I believe that God loves each of us unconditionally, I know that my daughter was created exactly as God meant her to be. I also believe that I was chosen to be her mother, and that I am called to share my journey with other parents.

I do this in my role as a Listening Parent with Fortunate Families, a group of Catholic parents dedicated to equality and justice for their lesbian and gay children. The Fortunate Families website lists Catholic parents from 29 states and several Canadian provinces who are willing to share their family stories. I have been contacted by Catholic parents needing to talk to someone who has experienced what they are going through……mothers in Kansas and Virginia and most recently, a father in Connecticut, and, at the other end of the spectrum, a 19 year old Catholic college student struggling to come to terms with her sexual identity.

So…. ….you may be wondering….how are things today? Ashley, the friend who came for Thanksgiving in 1997 is now our daughter-in-law. She and our daughter Jamie, have been in a loving, committed relationship for 15 years, and were married 6
years ago in Massachusetts. They are amazing young women and loving mothers to our three year old grandson and 8 day old granddaughter. We really are a fortunate family.

Also in the July newsletter:

• Sacramental marriage beyond anatomy - Jamie L.Manson
• God Looks at the Heart: Deacon Ministry with LGBT Youth and their Families - Casey and Mary Ellen Lopata
• Note from a reader of the Deacon Digest
• Seeing with heart: A Day of Reflection for Parents of Lesbian Daughters and Gay Sons - Mike Hyland
  - Hyland
• Did you know…???
• Calendar/Thanks/

Strengthening our natural allies

In an historical overview of developments in the Church, Frank DeBenardo reminded us during our workshop of the emergence in the 1980′s of some diocesan and parish based ministries to LGBT people, culminating in 1997 in the important document by the American bishops - “Always Our Children” (referred to in Marian Levine’s reflection as a great help to her). This letter has a specific focus on the parents and families:

The purpose of this pastoral message is to reach out to parents trying to cope with the discovery of homosexuality in their adolescent or adult child. It urges families to draw upon the reservoirs of faith, hope, and love as they face uncharted futures. It asks them to recognize that the Church offers enormous spiritual resources to strengthen and support them at this moment in their family’s life and in the days to come.

- Always Our Children (opening paragraph)

Also in 1997, in the UK Cardinal Basil Hume published ”A note on the teaching of the Catholic Church concerning homosexuality“ which after a period of neglect seems again to be receiving some attention (just as there appears that the emphasis in pastoral practice is shifting from an obsession with the sinfulness of genital acts, to promoting respect, compassion and sensitivity).

Our families are often our most valuable straight allies in the struggle for LGBT equality, justice and inclusion. (Some of the most committed and valued members of our Soho Masses congregation are parents, not gay or lesbian themselves). However, we in the UK do not as yet have a British equivalent of the American Fortunate Families, or its Listening Project. One of the thoughts that occurred to me as I reflected on my personal Next Steps at the conclusion of the workshop, and which has matured further since, is that there could be possibilities for us who are openly gay and lesbian Catholics, who have wrestled through the challenges and issues and come out, to help the parents.

How could this be done? That would still need to be worked out (if indeed it is realistically possible at all), but here are three thoughts that occur to me:

• encouraging our own parents, where they are still alive and living locally, to make contact with others for informal networking
• making ourselves available to meet with parents who are struggling, to share something of our own journeys in faith, the challenges we have faced and that will be faced by their children
• active promotion in our local parishes, of the bishops’ documents addressed to our families.

Any other ideas? Tell us what you think.

Related articles

• LGBT Ministry: A Mustard Seed Begins to Sprout. (queeringthechurch.com)
• Catholic LGBT Ministry: Johannesburg (queeringthechurch.com)
• A Big Gay ‘Yay!’ for the Catholics (thewildreed.blogspot.com)
• CALGM Board Refuses to Sign Oath (newwaysministryblog.wordpress.com)
• “Persons With An Inclination To Abuse” (enlightenedcatholicism-colkoch.blogspot.com)
• ALL ARE WELCOME: When Homophobes Attack (newwaysministryblog.wordpress.com)
• Conversations of the Catholic Center about Gay Folks: Still Dangling after All These Years (bilgrimage.blogspot.com)
• Italian Cardinals Support IDAHO Prayer Vigils (queeringthechurch.com)

• ALWAYS OUR CHILDREN (A Pastoral Message to Parents of Homosexual Children and Suggestions for Pastoral Ministers) .(USCCB)
• Fortunate Families (Website)
• Fortunate Families (July 2012 Newsletter)
• Fortunate Families (June 2012 Newsletter)
• Fortunate Families (May 2012 Newsletter)
• Fortunate Families (March / April 2012 Newsletter)
• Fortunate Families (February 2012 Newsletter)
• Fortunate Families (January 2012 Newsletter)

• APA Stands with LGBT Parents After Biased Study (mlp.org)
• A Big Gay ‘Yay!’ for the Catholics (thewildreed.blogspot.com)
• CALGM Board Refuses to Sign Oath (newwaysministryblog.wordpress.com)
• “Persons With An Inclination To Abuse” (enlightenedcatholicism-colkoch.blogspot.com)
• ALL ARE WELCOME: When Homophobes Attack (newwaysministryblog.wordpress.com)
• Conversations of the Catholic Center about Gay Folks: Still Dangling after All These Years (bilgrimage.blogspot.com)
• Italian Cardinals Support IDAHO Prayer Vigils (queeringthechurch.com)