For today, 31st July, the first lectionary reading in the Revised Common Lectionary (but not the Catholic lectionary) is that of Jacob wrestling with the angel. In this post, which was first published on 14th March this year, Bart covers rather more ground on wrestling with God than just the one reading, but Jacob is at its heart. The idea of wrestling with God, or at least with the Church, is one that as LGBT Catholics or other Christians we nearly all have to confront at some time in our spiritual development. At Jesus in Love blog, Kittredge Cherry also reflects on this theme, and reflects on the interpretation of the story in art.
Bart wrote:
For as far back as I can remember, a fair share of my thoughts revolved around either my relationship with God, or my sexuality. Needless to say, coming from a thoroughly Catholic background, and trying to make heads or tails of this “difference” that was to mark me as a gay man, the hard part was that of trying to reconcile the two sets of thoughts. Out of this struggle – and perhaps because I felt I was the outsider in every group or setting – I began to cultivate my relationship with God. More precisely, I started to seek to relate to God as a friend – friendship with Jesus. At times I even felt that beyond the elements of friendship it became more of a love-affair with Jesus. Whatever the case, like any other friendship, I noticed that essential elements such as love, respect, equality and sincerity are the building blocks of a personal relationship with this mysterious Other called God.
I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. (John 15:15)
From what I knew about him, I realised that Jesus would never reject me or put me down, but would embrace me as I am. Early on I was comforted by the words:
“I won’t send away anyone who comes to me.” (John 6:37)
Even when confronted with the “clobber texts”, I knew in my heart that not only were such texts being wrongly interpreted, but also that they were not supported by the overall message we find in God’s word. Strange as it may sound, I found refuge in Jesus where others felt that they had to put a distance between themselves and God. I want to share here some of the less obvious things I learnt from my friendship with Jesus, especially that I have come to see this process of building a friendship with Christ as “wrestling with God”. I will give examples from Scripture to explain why struggling with God seems to be the only way forward, starting with two friends of God from the OT: Abraham and Jacob.
Abraham: God’s confidant (Genesis 18:16-33)
Abraham is presented as the person who had the temerity to bargain with God, seeking to influence God’s plan (regarding the destruction of the city of Sodom). The narrator of the story proceeds to show that in his relationship with God (who appears as a human figure in the story), Abraham is bold yet respectful, and clearly not afraid to speak his mind:
Abraham remained standing before the Lord. Then Abraham approached him and said: “Will you sweep away the righteous with the wicked? What if there are fifty righteous people in the city? (verses 21b-24a)
We will see that Abraham is quite insistent, as he continues to press his case:
“Now that I have been so bold as to speak to the Lord, though I am nothing but dust and ashes, what if the number of the righteous is five less than fifty?” (verses 27-28a)
Reading through the whole episode, we can begin to appreciate how the elements of equality and sincerity play themselves out here. God “lowers” Godself to the level where Abraham can enter into a dialogue, and thus involving Abraham in the outcome of the plan. At the same time, there is openness and frankness in this friendship that is so revealing of the way God seeks to relate to us, so different from the images of dread and wrath that we’re normally fed. Not only have we received distorted messages regarding our sexuality, we have also been handed down some pretty awful images of God.
Jacob: wrestling with God (Genesis 32:22-32)
I don’t claim any originality for the expression “wrestling with God”. I borrowed it from this unusual episode (possibly reflecting a very ancient core to the story) in Genesis 32 – Jacob wrestling with a stranger – a story which presents us with some remarkable details. It isn’t quite clear who the person Jacob wrestled with was (tradition mistakenly depicts this man as an angel), neither are we given the reasons for this encounter. As it stands in Genesis, it comes right before Jacob’s reconciliatory meeting with his brother Esau, still angry because of the deceitful way in which Jacob deprived him of his inheritance. It may well be that the wrestle represents Jacob’s struggle with God over the issue. By the end of the encounter Jacob realises that the man he had been wrestling with was none other than God. Here, as in the Abraham narrative, God chooses to take on a human form to be able to engage with another human being on an equal footing. I would like to highlight two aspects of this mysterious episode that helped me to arrive at this conclusion.
So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. (verse 24)
We may speculate about the nature of the wrestle. I may have got carried away by my imagination, but I consider wrestling to be a friendly fight, with a dose of play. I have always found it to be homoerotic, and definitely very arousing. Wrestling all night? Hmm. What is mystifying in this episode is the stranger’s inability to overpower Jacob. If the assumption that Jacob was wrestling with God in human form (a prefiguring of Jesus?), then it presents us with a very bold gesture, and tends to confirm that God really desires to be our equal after all, and that it’s not beyond God to mix play with the more serious stuff.
Emboldened by the outcome of the wrestle, Jacob makes a specific demand when the man tries to break off:
“I will not let you go unless you bless me.” (verse 26b)
I find this single line to be one of the most inspiring in the whole of Scripture. A person becomes so totally engaged in this friendship with God (the wrestle) that he (or she, as we shall see further down) is unafraid to put everything on the line in order to achieve God, the source of all blessing. What a far cry this is from the case of someone who moves away from God just because others have used God to condemn him or her. We need to wrestle with Jesus. This includes fighting back that which is troubling us and seeks to tear us away from him. We will not let go unless or until we receive God’s blessing. This is my motto, even as I face the challenges to achieve full recognition of my rights and identity as a gay man.
A cloud of witnesses (Hebrews 12:1)
I have only briefly touched upon a couple of texts. Befriending God, as well as wrestling with God, is a theme that runs through the whole of Scripture.
- Moses
Moses is yet another figure worth mentioning in this context:
“The Lord would speak to Moses face to face, as a man speaks with his friend.” (Exodus 33:11; see also Numbers 12:7b-8; Deuteronomy 34:10)
Moses’ intercession on behalf of his people when they rebelled (Numbers 14:10-19) as well as his willingness to be punished instead of them (Exodus 32:32) are signs of a deep friendship with God; it is out of the security of that friendship that Moses dares to risk all, even the status that comes with his privileged friendship.
- Jeremiah
One of the bluntest remarks addressed to God in the whole of Scripture is made by none other than Jeremiah. Complaining that as a prophet (i.e. one who is close to God) he was facing taunts and persecution from all sides, Jeremiah blurts out:
“O Lord, you deceived me, and I was deceived.” (Jeremiah 20:7)
The Hebrew word for “you deceived me” – and likewise “I was deceived” – is much cruder; it means: seduced, raped, screwed. Clearly it’s not the most proper way to address God (probably the religious right would consider to be blasphemous). It goes to show, however, the total frankness that exists (or, should exist) between the individual and God. I don’t think God will fall of the chair if we were to express our discontent or anger. If anything, God knows what we’re feeling and thinking in any case, so there’s no point in hiding it. I, for one, like to point out to God that if a thousand years in God’s sight are like a day gone by (Psalm 90:4), that’s not the way we perceive time. I don’t think I’m the first to admit becoming somewhat impatient when God doesn’t seem to be listening - or answering my prayer!
- Friendship with Jesus
God of the OT takes on a human form, becoming one of us in the person of Jesus Christ. The Incarnation is the definitive statement of God’s desire to establish an everlasting friendship with humankind.
Looking at the NT texts, three narratives come to mind; in each case the protagonist is a woman. Mary, Jesus’ mother, saves the day at the wedding in Cana (John 2:1-11) by being the catalyst for the miracle, and this despite Jesus’ protestations.
In another episode, a Greek, Syrophoenician woman (hence a person not bogged down by religiosity) secured the healing of her daughter (Matthew 15:21-28; Mark 7:24-30) because she was not fazed by Jesus’ rebuff; respectfully she continued to plead her cause. It’s this level of approaching Jesus that inspires faith. This is confirmed by the parable about the impertinent widow and the judge (Luke 18:2-8).
When we let the above examples from Scripture inspire us, we begin to realise how far removed this experience of Jesus (or God, as you prefer) is from a typical religious environment where fear of expressing dissent becomes the dominating factor, and where open and robust dialogue as befits the children of God is discouraged if not suppressed.
- A final anecdote
The 16th century Spanish mystic Teresa of Avila is known particularly for her ecstatic, spiritual experiences (ecstasies that had a fairly erotic ring to them too). Anyway, what struck me is that this saint, who had such deep relationship with Jesus Christ, didn’t hesitate to express her innermost feelings. As the story goes, Teresa was facing stiff opposition from those who were against her reforms. On one occasion, whilst on her way to try to stem this opposition, her cart tipped. Falling into a muddy patch, Teresa complained to Jesus about her sorry state. Jesus replied by saying “That is how I always treat my friends,” to which Teresa retorted (perhaps with a dose of humour) “That must be why you have so few friends”.
FOOTNOTE, added July 31st:
This is how Kittredge Cherry makes explicit the connection with the struggle for queer inclusion in church:
The story of Jacob wrestling (Genesis 32:24-31) is the Sunday lectionary reading for tomorrow (July 31). It speaks to LGBT people and our allies.
Many have interpreted this story as a struggle between material and spiritual needs, but it is especially powerful for queer people who are trying to reconcile their sexuality and their faith. Jacob refused to give up the fight until he forced a blessing out of God. Like Jacob, LGBT people can also win God’s blessing by continuing to wrestle with our faith, regardless of those who condemn as sinners.
Suggested reading:
Gay Theology Without Apology (Gary D Comstock)
Know My Name
(Richard Cleaver)
Take Back the Word: A Queer Reading of the Bible (ed Robert Goss)
The Scandalous Gospel of Jesus: What’s So Good About the Good News? (Rev Peter Gomes)
Related Posts
- Coming Out As Wrestling With The Divine
- “Practicing Safer Texts”: The Bible and Sexuality, Homosexuality
- Countering the Clobber Texts
- Jacob and the angel: Wrestling to reconcile body and spirit (Jesus in Love Blog)
There is so much in here, Bart, that it is difficult to limit response to just a single short comment. I will content myself with just two observations, and possibly add more later.
The first is that you are absolutely right to stress the importance of developing a strong personal relationship with God/ Jesus(take your pick). It is common for queer Catholics to feel that they the Church rejects them. God never will.
The wrestling story is an important one for gay Catholics (and other Christians) to hold on to. The theologian Richard Cleaver uses the story as an image for the whole coming out process, which he says is an experience of “wrestling with the divine”. This makes the experience one of deep spiritual and emotional growth.
It is this possibility, of spiritual growth through an experience not available to those of more conventional sexuality, that has led several thinkers on the subject to describe queer sexuality as a gift, not a curse.
Yes, of course, as queers, the struggle to understand and accept our sexuality in an environment that is not (as yet) favourable to our cause, results in a greater self-awareness and maturity. In a way, we are struggling to reconcile the spiritual and the sexual dimensions of our humanity, hopefully integrating them to be(come) fully human, fully alive persons. We become the persons we were meant to be.
Recently, I was talking to a person who felt that she was not a good Catholic, because some priest told her that she was not following some silly rule. She thought that she might be leaving the Church because she was not worthy. My response to her, and to all other Catholics who feel excluded: “Jesus Christ has invited you to be here. He has welcomed you in baptism. If someone else tells you you should not be at table of the Lord, ask him if he thinks Jesus made a mistake….”
A good way of putting it, methinks. I suppose it all depends on how we look at our Church ‘membership’. I like to think of the Church in terms of the family model, where belonging is more or less something stable. Even when we have our differences, others in the Church have no right to push us out. On quite a number of occasions where my loyalty to the Church (by which they meant, my loyalty the hierarchy, or to some “silly rule” as you rightly put it) was questioned, I replied in no uncertain terms: “This is my Church as much as it is yours; you don’t own it, God does!” (with possibly an expletive at the end, which I cannot repeat here)
The story of Jacob wrestling with the angel speaks powerfully to LGBT people who are struggling to reconcile sexuality and spirituality. Thank you for expressing spiritual truths from your own life in such eloquent words.
I include a link to this wonderful post today in my reflection on “Jacob and the angel: Wrestling to reconcile sexuality and spirituality” at the Jesus in Love Blog. The story of Jacob wrestling is the Sunday lectionary reading for tomorrow (July 31, 2011). Here’s a direct link to my post:
http://jesusinlove.blogspot.com/2011/07/jacob-and-angel-wrestling-to-reconcile.html
Thanks, Kitt, for pointing out tomorrow’s reading.
I’ll do a reposting myself, and include a link to yours.
Thanks for quoting me and linking to my post. It’s good to have you as a companion as we wrestle with our angels.
It IS confusing that Catholics, Protestants, Orthodox sometimes (often?) have different dates for lectionary readings and feast days for saints… especially because I try to make my blog accessible for ALL who follow Christ. But we muddle through somehow!
Bart: I appreciate so much your emphases here both on the need for LGBT people to wrestle with the relationship between our spirituality and our sexuality and on the importance of inviting God to become our friend and lover. The article that Kittredge Cherry links to also has deepened my own reflection on these topics.
Bart, thanks so much for these reflections. So many of these stories have been important to me in my own on-going journey of faith. Certainly, Jacob wrestling with the divine (and I love that picture too!) but more recently I have developed an affection for Abraham, to whom God says one day: “Get up, leave your home and go.” God gives no direction, no indication but Abraham gets up and goes and I like to believe the point of the story is that Abraham “creates” the journey with God. He is not launched on some pre-set journey, during the course of which he can get it “wrong” or “right” but instead walks with God creating the path as the relationship between him and the Divine develops. I love that for our Muslim brothers and sisters Abraham is called “Al-Khalil” which does not only mean “friend of God” but “the friend closest to the heart” of God. I think we are all called to that friendship and love with God which we come to only know through friendship and love of each other which includes our bodies, our sexuality, and our desires, and for us of a certain orientation, our “gayness” too!
Thanks Jonah! I think a similar problem exists with the so-called “will of God”. Our Catholic upbringing and, worse still, our seminary formation (or equivalent), drum into our mind that we must obey God’s will. Obviously, God’s will is always presented in such a way as to imply that our will must be totally rejected, negated. It’s as if God derives sadistic pleasure from making sure that our will is opposed to his/hers. It’s only more recently, as I became more familiar with the Ignatian discernment processes, but also with the Taizé spirituality, that I learnt how to see God’s will working in and through my own will. It doesn’t mean that my will becomes God’s will. Rather, as you pointed out in the example you gave (Abraham), it is the relationship with God that takes priority. This relationship gives shape to the decisions taken within it. The Spirit of God within me knows what is at the depth of my being. The more I am in tune with that core within me, the easier it is for my desires to be attuned to God’s desires - they become OUR desires. It becomes easier for the will to follow up on such desires, even where the path chosen is a difficult one. It follows that those desires that cluster round my being gay also play a part in working out “God’s will” because God already willed that I be a gay man. What remains to be discovered is how as a gay man (in this case a priest) I can best move forward in this experience of God, this journey of friendship with God and others.